Candy & Pizza

Before I Forget (Last Night's Dream)

Thu, 23 May 2013 11:58:28 -0400

I’m the production assistant on the season premier of Saturday Night Live. The host is Robert Downey Jr with Kanye West as the musical guest. My job is to announce Robert Downey Jr., which I do by screeching at the top of my lungs. I’m reprimanded because I forget to announce Kanye West as well, which is hastily done by my boss. When it’s Kanye’s time to perform, he spends 40 minutes in a field blowing up balloons and letting them float up towards the sky. Eventually Lorne Michaels comes out and apologizes to the crowd, citing Kanye is going crazy. Meanwhile, I’m in the back, making miniature cheesecakes with my mom. After an hour of dead air, Lorne asks me to do some improv on stage. I sit and make weird faces. Everyone’s pretty disappointed with my performance.

Breakfast With...Porn Star Joanna Angel | Nerve.com

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:30:09 -0400

Breakfast With...Porn Star Joanna Angel | Nerve.com:

I sat down with Joanna Angel and talked about love, sex, lemons, and breakfast.

Before I Forget (Last Night's Dream)

Wed, 22 May 2013 11:16:53 -0400

I met this pretty girl in a bar. She had shoulder-length brown hair and seriously dilated pupils. I told her she resembled the actress Natalie Portman. The girl had never heard of her, so I tried bringing up a few movies she stars in, but couldn’t remember any. Before I could say anything else, she jumped me and kissed my mouth. That’s when I noticed her tongue was made out of parmesan cheese.

"I feel like Tic Tacs are the lowest grade of mouth freshener. They’re like the dental dam of..."

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:20:03 -0400

“I feel like Tic Tacs are the lowest grade of mouth freshener. They’re like the dental dam of breath contraceptives.”

- Kate Hakala

My 25 (More) Irrational Social Phobias Will Seriously Punch a Hole In The Universe, Though

Sun, 19 May 2013 17:18:57 -0400

My 25 (More) Irrational Social Phobias Will Seriously Punch a Hole In The Universe, Though:

The thrilling conclusion!

Overheard in NYC

Sun, 19 May 2013 02:42:39 -0400

Guy: "Babe, YOLO?"

Girl: "No, fuck YOLO."

Back To Normal

Fri, 17 May 2013 20:14:55 -0400

“Baby…” I started, wetting my lips with my tongue.
She stopped writhing, caught her breath and looked up at me, eyes innocent and wide.
“I just…”
“What?” She asked, stroking my face, “Baby tell me what’s wrong?”
My phone buzzed and lit up on the side table. She glanced towards it and bit her lip. I ignored it as I usually did.
“I can’t help but think…” I caught my breath and sighed.
“I can’t help but think you’re just doing this all because of…”
“Baby…” She moved her hand down to my chest.
“Because of my high Klout score.” I said, holding back tears.
She moved her hand back up to my face and rested her fingers on my chin, as if it belonged to a child.
“Look at me. I’d be with you even if you were a 60.” She smiled, I smiled back.
“Just don’t forget what I told you.”
“Never.” I said. We started again. She threw her head back and moaned in ecstasy.
“Hashtag pleasure.” She said. I went faster.
“Hashtag climax.”
Things were finally back to normal.

Sick #TheCrosbyPress finding in #NoLiTa @Thrillist

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:03:49 -0400

Sick #TheCrosbyPress finding in #NoLiTa @Thrillist

Photo

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:01:48 -0400

#TinyStories v.1

Mon, 13 May 2013 09:34:43 -0400

Tuesday night around midnight, I think. My watch broke two days ago and it might be closer to 1:00. I find myself back in the Chinese video store with my laptop and most of my cigarettes missing. To my left is a little old man playing blackjack on a computer monitor duct-taped to the wall. He takes a deep inhale of his cigar and winks at me. I wink back.

My mom is actually a fourteen-year-old boy.

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:23:51 -0400

My mom is actually a fourteen-year-old boy.

The Five Worst Sexual Encounters I've Ever Had

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:19:00 -0400

The Five Worst Sexual Encounters I've Ever Had:

She was my waitress at some restaurant and I jokingly left her my business card, not thinking sheâd actually text me.

#RetroBad

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:38:00 -0400

#RetroBad

#Retrobad

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:12:00 -0400

#Retrobad

Photo

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:07:47 -0400

#Retrobad

Wed, 08 May 2013 10:08:00 -0400

#Retrobad

Why do cats always pull this shit?

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:33:58 -0400

Why do cats always pull this shit?

Photo

Sun, 05 May 2013 13:55:45 -0400

Yeah, the guy who’s worth $12 million is going to take a...

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:28:00 -0400

Yeah, the guy who’s worth $12 million is going to take a picture with the guy who won’t make that in his entire life? COME ON!

Grand St.

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:36:30 -0400

Grand St.:

Grand St. is a new site for people who love creative technology. We help our members discover the best new products by featuring a designer and their products daily. Personal electronics is changing in so many amazing ways - discover and purchase the best new stuff here. Live in the future.

I write product reviews for Grand St!

Candy & Pizza

Before I Forget (Last Night's Dream)

Breakfast With...Porn Star Joanna Angel | Nerve.com

Before I Forget (Last Night's Dream)

"I feel like Tic Tacs are the lowest grade of mouth freshener. They’re like the dental dam of..."

My 25 (More) Irrational Social Phobias Will Seriously Punch a Hole In The Universe, Though

Overheard in NYC

Back To Normal

Sick #TheCrosbyPress finding in #NoLiTa @Thrillist

Photo

#TinyStories v.1

My mom is actually a fourteen-year-old boy.

The Five Worst Sexual Encounters I've Ever Had

#RetroBad

#Retrobad

Photo

#Retrobad

Why do cats always pull this shit?

Photo

Yeah, the guy who’s worth $12 million is going to take a...

Grand St.

The Five Worst Sexual Encounters I've Ever Had