1. Day-Quil. Day-Quil is a happy-ending massage parlor. You go there to feel better, and then get a little somethin-somethin in the end. That somethin-somethin, for me, comes to the form of feeling manic euphoria and intermittent, nearly orgasmic yawns. I mean, I don’t know if anyone else gets the same effect, but not only does Day-Quil completely numb my symptoms, but it totally amps up the pleasure center in my brain. I find myself talking at incredible speed about subjects I normally couldn’t care about. You like listening to fake statistics about menial subjects? You’re going to fucking love me on Day-Quil.
2. Caffeine. Color me a coffee enthusiast; heck, I’d suck coffee’s dick if it were a guy and I were inclined to suck dicks. I’ve spent years working low-pay, early morning, blue collar jobs and the only thing that would get me out of my warm bed at the ungodly hour of 5:00 A.M. was the promise of a hot cup of coffee. The taste of the hot elixir flowing down my gullet instantly perks up even the downest of debbies and promises, at least, a few hours of warmth and happiness.
3. Cigarettes. Alright, so technically this kills like 5-ish million people a year, but I hardly consider it a “hardcore” drug. Sure, it’ll rot you from the inside out and you’re likely to find yourself with a lone lung, gasping for air through the hole in your neck, but it won’t make you go nuts and eat people. It’s not even about how cool it makes you look, that’s a given—cigarettes are the perfect accessory for those awkward individuals who don’t know where to put their hands when they talk.
4. St. John’s Wort. This homeopathic remedy for anxiety and depression has been around for ages, and actually works pretty well when taken in appropriate doses. If you’re a renegade wild-card who plays by two sets of rules: none and his own, like me—you take it in fucking massive quantities. St. John’s Wort starts off as a plant, but you typically purchase it in a little vial with an attached eye dropper. One or two droppers will calm your jangled nerves and put you to sleep. Thirteen or fourteen droppers will put you in an effective coma and, depending on what time of day it is, make the activities that follow a total blast. For instance, if it’s at night, you’ll get an incredible sleep…if it happens during the day, you feel like you’re walking on the surface of the moon, wrapped up in cotton candy.
5. Porn. So technically: a drug is something, when absorbed into the body of living organism, alters normal bodily function. I consider porn a drug; there are many different varieties, there are porn addicts, and porn feels good. Sure, you can’t bump lines of pornography off porcelain sinks in the bathroom of clubs and you certainly can’t tie off and shoot porn directly into your veins, but it’s a drug. I believe it’s the sheer accessibility and volume of porn that gets people off and gets you hooked. Since the early 70’s, all fucks have been left behind concerning sexuality, so no one has to feel weird for masturbating anymore. I mean, look at your browser history, I’m almost positive the word “pounded” is there somewhere. Going outside and playing football (or other ridiculous sports like that) is probably a good way to calm down and cool off—but you know what? Sometimes all I need is to lock myself into an air-conditioned room and watch some teenager’s vagina get pulverized.