I’m going to go ahead and say what everybody is already thinking: why are senior citizens obsessed with Everybody Loves Raymond?
The simple answer is, they can’t help it.
When Earth was still young, an angel was banished from heaven and sent to live a life of hell on earth. Raymonous. He was a dark creature who got a sick pleasure out of watching others in pain. He would purposely embarrass and humiliate Earth’s creatures, roaring in laughter at their misfortune.
After hundreds of thousands of years, people grew wise to Raymonous’ antics, and simply ignored him. Humans were growing smarter. Raymonous went into hiding until the twentieth century, when a powerful tool was introduced into a newly blossomed culture: Television. For decades, he watched families in their living rooms, watching whatever was placed in front of their eyes. Hours would pass, the children and their parents would grow tired and fall asleep, yet the grandparents would stay awake, enveloped by the TV’s glow. A plan was formulated.
1996 rolled by with promise and opportunity. Raymonous shaved his evil goatee, changed out of his evil red power-shorts, got a haircut and became Ray Romano. He used his mind control powers to convince the elderly executives at CBS of his “amazing” show idea. The overwhelming vote for Everybody Loves Raymond aroused Raymonous with power, his plan was now set in motion. He dominated television for years, growing rich and fat with influence. Many nights were spent reviewing his ratings and eating fried chicken, his greasy lips smirking with self satisfaction. The numbers didn’t lie - they never do, seniors couldn’t stop watching his show.
Now, as re-runs continue, the elderly can’t stop giving Raymonous attention. They pass along the word of Everybody Loves Raymond, attracting groans and grimaces from all under the age of 60.
They embarrass themselves with their love of his show, making themselves seem weak and idiotic. Every time that happens, Ray Romano the fallen angel, takes a bite of a chicken leg and smirks.
- Jeremy: "I went on this road trip with eric and adam, and eric read the whole dark tower series in my backseat."
- Lizzie Luchs: "Hahaha you guys should have done book on tape!!! Group listening is sexy."
- Jeremy: "Just three young bros, shirtless in a car listening to dark tower - nothing gay about that. Maybe we give each other back rubs? Nothing gay about that. Maybe the back rub is the greatest sensation in the entire world? Maybe it's because my best friend is giving it to me? Maybe it's all I've ever wanted? Still not gay."