Candy and Pizza

“A large reason I never bought a bed frame is because it would require a major life change.”

She looked at me, puzzled. 

“Not that I’m a total bum, but look at it this way; suppose you’ve got a guy like me, pulling in under $20,000 a year…doughy, balding, an easy cryer…suppose a guy like me buy a hundred dollar bed frame. That means I’m at a point where I have a somewhat disposable income. What’s next? If I can spare a hundred bucks for a bed frame, why shouldn’t I be spending it on something more important? A set of nice pants, a doctor’s appointment, a gym membership. No, I’m content with sleeping on the floor.”

By that time, the KFC had emptied out. She picked up her purse and left. My ninth date in two weeks and the eighth fluke—but to be fair, one of the girls had vision problems. I went on dates because I had no friends and I liked having sex with women. I was an unsuccessful journalist for a pretty successful website, which presented material along the lines of The Wall Street Journal and a pamphlet. My weekly column, “Henriffic”, had the least amount of eyeball traffic, but the editors all liked me because I sold them drugs. So there I was. I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus—it was one of those eerily warm November nights that made you sort of believe in global warming and evolution and science. I felt bloated and sick—34 years old and I didn’t look a day over 50. I was trifling through the slush-filled streets in the same suit I’d warn on bad dates #1 - #9, and all I could think about was that stupid bed frame. 

Ok, say what you will about the integrity of films these days: Jack & Jill, The Smurfs, Alvin and The Chipmunks Redux: Part 6 3-D, clearly movies have taken a nose dive into a fresh pile of ass. And yes, perhaps there are some actors who are responsible for this creative holocaust: this is not limited to 98% of Judd Apatow’s little dream team, but for the love of Cthulhu, don’t get Nicholas Cage involved!

First off, the man has more passion in his pinky finger than America did when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Cage is a scream machine who just, unfortunately, made some irresponsible financial decisions, which compromised his path to paying rent.

These irresponsible decisions, and I use “irresponsible” lightly because I think his purchases are incredible, are as follows:

1. A 10 Million dollar home in Malibu
2. A paradise 40 acre island in the Bahamas
3. A medieval castle in Germany
4. A country manor, “Grey Craig” in Rhode Island
5. ANOTHER medieval castle in England

Sure, he ended up selling most of his property to cover his enormous debt to the IRS, but when you’re enough of a boss to buy, not one, but TWO medieval castles, you deserve to sit on a gold-plated chair made of diamonds.

Medieval castles aside, let’s get balls deep into Cage’s repertoire of films. First off, homeboy was nominated twice for an Academy Award: one for his excellent work as a loony alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas, and his other for a loony workaholic in Adaptation. While I strongly believe that both nominations should have gone to him in Face/Off, as Sean Archer and Castor Troy, there’s still proof that Nicholas Cage is a decent actor.

Nick Cage is like Sesame Street – he’s been with me my entire life and he teaches me new things every day. For instance, did you know that if you get a barrel full of bees dumped into your eyes, it will really hurt? That little chunk of brain candy I learned from the remake of The Wicker Man. Did you know that you can angrily recite the ENTIRE alphabet if you’re angry? Did you know that punching women and children is totally fine? Did you know that you can get away with just about anything if you’re in a bear costume? Don’t worry, I’m linking the best of Cage on the bottom of this article.

For those who doubt Nicholas Cage’s acting abilities, and can overlook Season of The Witch, I implore you to watch Moonstruck, Matchstick Men, The Rock, and Leaving Las Vegas. You can’t demonize a man who makes movies simply because he’s out of cash, and thus will take any role you put in front of him. Shit, I have half a mind to cast him into the remake of Meet The Parents I’ve been working on. He’d be really awesome in every role, so I think I’ll cast him in ever role.

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